Build Character and Tension with the Five Love Languages
“Who does this character love?”
This is a primary question I ask myself when I’m building depth in a character. It’s one of the questions I ask others when I’m critiquing a character who isn’t quite jumping off the page. Knowing who a character loves can tell you, the writer, and the reader so much about where your character comes from, what might motivate them, and what their vulnerabilities probably are. (*stage whispers* All without telling.) Love is a powerful force in human lives whether romantic, familial, or strictly platonic. It stands to reason that examining love relationships from multiple angles will provide a rich landscape for character development.
From the moment I first began reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I knew it would not only change my relationships but also influence the way I wrote fictional characters.
What are love languages?
The idea of distinct love languages is based on the different ways that people communicate love, both verbally and non-verbally. Gary Chapman, author of the book and a marriage counselor, observed in his practice that “there are five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand love” (15). As you can imagine, it’s not uncommon for two people who love each other to speak different love languages. This can be a tremendous source of conflict and misunderstanding between partners. Couples who take an interest in learning to speak one another’s love language more fluently may be able to create stronger, longer lasting bonds with one another.
Love languages are not reserved for romantic relationships. Everyone has one, so friendships and family relationships can also have these problems. In fact, there are love language books for other situations, if you want to look those up. But for this post, I’ll be focusing on romance. Because romance.
The five love languages are:
Words of Affirmation—These are compliments, encouragements, and sweet words spoken at just the right time.
Quality Time—This is time spent together, attention focused on one another, and thoughtful gestures of connection like a handwritten note, a phone call, or some text messages when face-to-face time isn’t possible.
Receiving Gifts—These gifts can range from expensive items to favorite collectibles or intimate tokens of affection.
Acts of Service—These are things like making someone’s coffee just the way they like it, ironing their clothes, or washing their car.
Physical Touch—This can be anything from holding hands and hugs to foot massages and sex.
If you aren’t sure what your love language is, think about how you tend to give love. Chapman also suggests you think about what you complain about most when it’s missing. Or, if all else fails, go ahead and imagine your perfect partner and how they would show you they love you. Most of us will identify with several love languages, if not all, but one will rise to the highest importance to us. That’s our love language. (But learning more than one may make us more able to have healthy lasting relationships.)
How can you use this to build character and tension in your fiction?
Your characters not only love someone (or used to love someone and got burned, so that’s why they’re such a creep), they also have a love language. If your story is romantic in any way, it’s entirely possible that their love interest or partner has a different love language, and one or both of them is feeling rather unhappy in the union because their needs aren’t being met. Instant romantic tension.
If you’re new to romantic tension, I’ll define it as a push/pull dynamic between two characters. Something external and something internal pull them together—a car accident and raw chemistry maybe. (*cough* Someone call the cliché police.) And something external and something internal push them apart—someone is afraid of getting hurt and does something stupid to sabotage the connection before their lover can get too close.
I think a lot of times, we reduce the push part of romantic tension to someone being afraid of getting burned. But having different love languages is a legitimate conflict as long as it’s believable that they would not understand this about each other. Most of us would probably just call this a form of incompatibility if it happened to us. But Chapman’s book teaches how to overcome the problem. If you both want to.
a Hypothetical story—no actual hearts were broken in the writing of this blog post
Imagine a couple. Suppose one partner speaks Words of Affirmation and the other partner speaks Quality Time. Again, there is deep love between them and each partner is expressing that love in their own language. But WOA doesn’t speak QT, and they feel unloved because while they’ve complimented QT sixteen times leading up to date night, they received not a single “you look so good in that dress I could eat you.” And now WOA would rather sulk in their room than go to dinner.
And QT doesn’t speak WOA (these people “hate gushing"—you’ve definitely met them before). They planned the date, made the reservation, and left work early even though they were behind on an important project because they want to celebrate the anniversary. They’re tired and worried, but dinner with WOA is worth it. Why is WOA in such a bad mood all of sudden?
That’s tension. It’s a misunderstanding, yes. And it may look shallow from the outside, but this is deeply ingrained and needs to be consciously dealt with. Character development is when WOA has a wake up call (maybe from a trusted friend who sees it all too clearly) and realizes that QT really needs regular one-on-one time to feel connected. If QT also realizes that WOA needs to hear compliments and sweet words once in a while, then we would have resolution of that tension and completion of an aspect of character growth.
Depending on what kind of story this is, there could be other endings. Maybe QT decides to get their Quality Time with someone at the office. And maybe WOA finds out and decides to flirt back with the next person who says all the right things. Maybe they miss each other’s love languages after they get what they thought they wanted. Maybe they come back together with this new information and start over. Or maybe they don’t. There is no set way this has to go. It’s your story.
I hope this has given you some ideas for heart-centered character development.
But if this post leads you to buy the book and use it for your actual love life, that’s probably a swell idea, too. I learned from reading it that my love language is Quality Time. And Receiving Gifts is a very close second. Gifts don’t have to be fancy, but I love when someone pays attention to what I like and takes the time (quality time) to give it to me. What’s your love language? Tell me in the comments.
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Lots of love to you,
Celeste